Melbourne


Sex IN The City



My only two Australian dreams were to see kangaroos and be driving on the wrong side of the road - literally accomplished both of those things by simply leaving the airport. No bullshit, there was a massive field of kangaroos  hanging out like you’d expect to see cows and horses. Was it time to turn around and go home? Had my dreams for this country been too unimaginative? Could this be an opportunity to exploit and over use my favorite meme?


...skkkrrrrrrt. Actually I had another good reason to visit - chill around with a man who I would like to refer to as Mr Big, but due to copyright issues, will settle on Señor Grande....this is Sex IN The City after all, not to be confused with Sex And The City.


*cue fade out to the past*

Now, about 10 days ago I was chillin out with my “gal pals” (myself) at the bar and saw this beautiful stranger walk in, just hanging out by his lonesome....he was tall, bearded, and overwhelmingly handsome. I pursued and next thing you know we’re singing karaoke, he’s swinging my buddy around like a doll, and we are ending the night destroying late night diner food.




Flash forward three days of paling around Waikiki together and Grande goes back to Australia, my other buddy deploys, and I am just left hangin with the sky. Carry without her gals is like a dirty martini stirred. That shit ain’t right.

Carry Bradshoe - My alter ego
I met up with Señor Grande at an appropriately trendy bar called Naked for Satan - befitting to my preference for nudity and casual appreciation for Thed Evil. The bar didn’t actually allow for nudity, but hosted some good stag parties for people watching that had hetero dudes dressed as nurses and Ali G. We just sat and drank, causally planning out the next 12 days; taking in the skyline - this was vibes! 

             Señor Grande

Melbourne is interesting in that you have the most povo people living next to the most posh. The houses are mishmashes of historic looking row-homes and ultra-modern skyscrapers. Overall, Melbourne is not unlike NYC, but is not as dirty, congested, or smelly.

Carlton Gardens aka "Central Park"
First on my list? museums.....freaking incredible! I adored the exhibits, the staff was hella friendly, and the building itself was a work of Art. They did a fantastic job at showcasing Australian history under one roof. Beyond this, you can stumble right into the royal exhibition- and a really pretty park.(I strolled about the “Central Park” serving my best Bradshoe lewks)

Everyday is runway

         This made me want calamari



"Smile for the camera beautiful" - Literally Nobody

...yes, you ca tell by the obnoxious colors those are my gals- Sharlet, Samanthuh and Mirandah back there

Here we see Samanthuh next to the only thing wetter than her in this park
I elected to skip the royal exhibition and instead ended up in a library...Some of us just like to read..thanks Gaga.
                               

The library was neato. I found myself amongst all of histories greatest works, and so I wondered....is smelling all of these great pieces of literature as impactful as reading them? (Also what makes the “book” smell?)


I didn’t actually touch many of those leather bound beauties, I was amped up on pre-workout and had no patience to sit still long enough to soak up a story. Instead I took in the serenity that comes from watching hundreds of people sitting quietly...moving only to find more books. You'd think the monsters from A Quiet Place were the librarians.

It’s spring time in Australia, the temps were cold enough that shorts were just not an option, and that’s literally all I packed. What’s a girl to do? Onward to ....THE MALL. Well, a mall. Melbourne Central - A mall with an old bullet making tower in it, which is very tits. The shopping was endless, it must be over 2/3 blocks of stores and stores and stores with ramen and more stores.
Lookin like a big ol brick dick in a glass con-dome.

I was cool with all these stores and ramen. I popped into the closest lululemon and showed off my aloha branded “honolululemon” - feeling as though I left a bit of aspirational fashion sense behind, I could move on.


Living in Hawaii has exposed me to Australian tourists -  when they saw on IG that I was bopping around their home, I was swarmed with messages on ideas for things to see and places to go. Ya damn right I’m gonna follow all these leads! Next up, The Shrine of Remembrance - a monumental way to honor those who have fallen in battle. *im not crying, you’re crying*. Seriously, I can never go to these things and not take on the role of weeping like a widow of the fallen.






On my way to that shrine, I noticed an absolutely massive banner for the National Gallery of Victoria having an exhibition for Terracotta Warriors! As a reporter that I am not, I have done like 6 different research projects on those warriors and this was my first chance to see them in person - I went for it right from the shrine! I was actually underwhelmed, but thanks to Snapchat I got some super cute pics:

     

Here's me posing next to the fuckboy who told me he would change.


That entirely satisfactory bitch of a day ended with me singing Funky Cold Medina with some Greek lady working at GoodysBurger. She slayed it. Was this my new gal pal? No, she lacked that stable Mirandah energy that is missing from my life. 
An outfit as stylish as these buildings.
Back at my apartment that night I struggled greatly with trying to figure out how the oven worked...seriously...I had basically sent out an SOS on my IG and was helped along by one very domesticated hero I know only as Ibuffy_.


The next day was much the same. Took a walk in St Kilda. for botanical gardens and to the beach to freeze myself in the water, because bitches love beaches. Then had a super cute lunch with myself at - Pontoon - which is right on the waterfront.

 


The water was fuckin coooooooold!
Later I would get a message from Señor Grande about “an immersive theater experience in homage to Edgar Allen Poe being held in a 36 room abandoned warehouse”. Whuat!? I saw a picture of a demon king in ballpit and was sold! 




This experience was called A Midnight Visit, and cool as hell doesn’t even begin to describe it. We started off with drinks while we waited then basically you choose your own adventure as you wander through this maze of rooms. You can happen into a room that’s empty and two seconds later is flooded with actors dressed in period correct costumes playing guitars, giving poetry realness, and singing randomly...or it would just be an empty room. The excitement of not knowing what was coming was all part of the charm. We had a kick ass time in the ball pit, crawled through some tunnels, I watched Señor Grande get involved in a semi sexual game of Simon says with Edgar Allen Poe and then ended up in a big ass sandbox where I found me some booty - in the pirate kind of way. The whole thing ends in a ballroom where all the actors come together and sing Lovefool by the Cardigans. If I had one phrase to described what it was like watching them sing "love me, love me, say that you love me" while hauling good ol Egadr off in a coffin amidst blasts from confetti cannons... Fuckin mint.

          
The next day was just as awesome. I checked out the royal botanical gardens, and then met Señor Grande for a mysterious show on the waterfront of the Crowne Casino. Now, he would not tell me anything about why we were there or outside, only warning me that if I did not like it that I should lie and tell him I liked it 🤣 no need to lie, I was fucking dazzled. The whole strip of the waterfront was lined with these huge rectangular metal pillars that began shooting massive fireballs into the air. Like out of nowhere just tons of heat and fire. 


I swear I was so happy that smile stuck to my face for an hour. 
....the next few days flew by. I got up to my usual routine of gym, parks, dinner, Grande, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, I ate like the monster in spirited away 🤣 Grande and I tried out the gay scene, which was composed of decidedly normal looking men. It wasn’t the plastic pretty boys of LA nor the trendy leather bound circuit queens of NY, no, these were plain people that looked like you went to high school with them. Was actually a bit odd not to be lost in a sea of on-point eyebrows and dewy Mario Badescu faces.......no matter, this was a GREAT time....until we ran into the only other American and were inundated by her rant on all the reasons she moved from her small town in Texas to be a big city lesbian in Melbourne - you’re like florals in spring. Wait, wrong film.


all of the yes
Emerald City Realness




do, do , do.... just a ho-ass girl in a big city
      



     



       

Neon nonsense

The world needs more doughnut memorials 
All was excellent, and on my last night we had these killer dumplings. Well, most of them were killer, one or two of them sucked. Okay, most of them sucked. ...None the less, this place was BYOB and between the two of us, bringing a bottle of champagne and two bottles of wine was too much.

Thinkin about how to drink all this.
In my spur of the moment friendless towards strangers I managed to unload a rosè on a very funny lesbian and her Polish work wife who were seated next to us- this was excellent because they then ended up coming with us to Berlin bar. Berlin bar has a very neat vibe. Bathtub full of pillows, bunk beds, lots of nods to German history and an absolutely massive portrait of Joseph Stalin.



Lesbian on the left, Polish on the right. 
The kind Polish woman gave us a try of some post dinner shots that were a tradition for her culture, these were meant to cleanse the pallet and calm your stomach. Instead they tasted like eating an actual cigarette and chasing it with vinegar. Oh well! We had an awesome time hanging out with these girls. Seoñr Grande and I got our photo shoot on while the girls chatted on.

                        


In between the sets of our shoot I could hear the polish woman talking about the portrait of Stalin as though it was her idol.


Like genuinely, should this love of a brutal dictator be offensive? I don’t know 🤷🏼‍♂️


The night was finally over. I’m in bed. All is good! I flew out the following afternoon. I’m pretty sure at some point in this trip Grande and I drunkenly decided to start an actual whore island... if anyone has passing interest in an island composed of model train sets and trains of models having sex, hit us up! 🤣


rendering of said island.....Paradise