Melbourne 2: The Return

 Sex In The City 2: I Beg To See You Dance Just One More Time

<3 Tones and I

With overwhelmingly stellar reviews from the previous film...(cries).. a trip back to shoot the sequel was a must! Last we left our sweet Ms. Bradshoe she was in the arms of the love of her life;  Señor Grande. Everything was the dream it should be! Alas, any good sequel must add a level of the potential for a follow up film. Flash forward a month after I've released my first short story. (lol, really), it’s time to relax and take a trip back to Melbourne. My chance to explore the city alone and give Grande a break had come (bish I’m waiting on the ring and the big ass closet). After all, distance makes the heart grow fon...
Holy shit I’m in jail. 

Of course prison is the first stop...its October and this bitch wants to get spooky (thanks Kim Petras). What better place to get creepy than Old Melbourne Gaol. The prison turned museum is wild as fuq! You can wander around each cell, which has a story to tell; complete with a selfie of the prisoner that died in it! Neat-O!... alright, it’s more of a “death mask” or bust of the prisoners face after they died.  
              Totes should have smiled
Prolly should have not smiled..died with Mitch McConnell lips

Seeing the molds of their dead faces inspired me greatly. I even managed to find a beautiful Swedish person to assist in this process for when my time comes. For now, it was my duty to give these sad deadass faces a makeover....drab to fab Bradshoe style. 

“Yentl meets Sonny”

I’ve got to admit, these people were pioneers of being nuts. 
Sad sad tears of a clown

My top two psychopath makeovers are Martha the Poisoner and Frederick Deemly - both unassuming actually bad bitches. Martha grew up in a horribly abusive household and showed signs of instability, yet she was beautiful and kind!!! Props for those men who looked nothing more than skin-deep...literally killed her 3 kids, husband, and brother-in-law. #Snapped. She done already done had herses. Martha got a colorful clown treatment, cause she was clowin these dudes think'n shes not mental. 

Meanwhile, Frederick killed both his wives and children then cemented them in under the hearthstone in each of the houses he lived in. I’d imagine he had a plaque that unironically read: “Home is where the heart is”.... seriously though, who doesn’t love a handyman? Fred was later caught before his next wedding while pretending to be Baron Swanston; great alter ego mate. For Fred I chose a regal silver goatee that says "I'm tough but approachable and mature", it matched super well to some stylish contractor friendly sunglasses. Keeps the blood out of your eyes hunty. 

 Me n' Fed Oh. M. Gee. Twinsss. This 👏🏻 is👏🏻 our 👏🏻 look 👏🏻

One can’t help but wonder, in another life would Martha and Fredrick have been soul mates? 
Her: widowed, childless, sexy cook. Favorite song: Sweet But A Psycho. 
Him: Divorced, homebody, expert mason. Favorite Book: A Tell Tale Heart. #SwipedRight

I’m digressing, romance is in the air. ....OH! and I picked up a fabulous new diet: Prison body vibes

Still snooping around when BAM, my eyes meet with what is easily the best part of this little adventure...the opportunity to wear the armor of Ned Kelly (Australia’s Robinhood convict who is high key a sexy-hipster-murderer-legend). Of course the armor display was set up for children.  Ummmmmm

Won’t pass up a chance to immerse myself in a most iconic movie moment ....
...Such is life. 

My fill for creepy had been satisfied. 
I jammed to the KP  Turn off the Light album all around the city for the next 5 days blurting out incomprehensible German words and serving Petras-fied spooky hand.  
"My other hand ain't strong enough"

The hand came off more like Scary Movie without the graphics but Idgaf! 

Onward and out to explore more Melbourne: 
This was a good opportunity to see how livable the city is for me. Hell. I’m independent! I’m strong! Fuck it! I got this!!!! Independent bitch since birth, stone cold bitch to the end. 
....Basically ended up at exactly all the same spots as my last trip, living like some kind of sad widow reliving memories of the past 😂  [watch the IG story for this trip, the realness can’t be understated]. Ima weak bish.....Everywhere I looked I was reminded of those sweet fond beautiful memories of Señor Grande:
 How he humped like  a rabbit 

 That sweet shaft to ball ratio

 The orgies he loved 

.....speaking of sex....We should discuss the design influences in this city. Just look at this aerial view of Albert Park....

 The lake is uncut!

....Back to my taste in men...

 Calling is always a good idea.
Him: "Hello?...Hello?.. Who is this?" *click*

 During my self induced dramatic breakdown adventure, I wandered over to the harbor. 

*shuffles playlist*
Glad I left my home in Georgia for this.

You don't hear people hype about the harbor in Melbourne like they do Sydney, yet this was pleasant to spent time around. Cool seafood spots, interesting art installations (lol did you see those balls tho), and plenty of boat activities to get into...maybe they are trying a tad hard to make this place interesting, but I'm here for it...

Still, I needed a sign. Something to use as an emotional scapegoat for my actions that both relates to water and avoids personally taking on responsibility for how I feel...*Plays Adele* 
Bingo! blame this all on the riverlee! (sp)  it's in my heart and veins tooo....

The next day I took my faultless attitude and set off for some retail therapy, checking out the shops in South Melbourne Market after popping into my fave coffeehouse Dead Man Espresso. All these knick-nacks, thingamabobbers
, and people with legs...I was Ariel; losing my legless mind filling the void with cute pairs of socks.

Got  appropriate socks for 
the mermaid sock paradox

Nearby I stumbled onto the first Lotus dealership I've basically ever seen... 

Really, I have been all the fuck over and have never seen an existing dealership network for this unicorn car company. Peeking inside, you can see they are host to other notoriously high power to low weight ratio fun to drive vehicles. Not mad about it.

A great day of shopping had done the trick. I am renewed, refreshed, and rejuvenated. "You hear that? Rejuvenated. He was juvenated before, lost it....and got juvinated agian. Rejuvenated!" (if you know this movie quote you're likely my future husband) 

My new found sense of self came with some excellent tips for putzing around Melbourne... if you want a truly incredible Airbnb, book one in Australia 108 - one of the tallest buildings in Australia. The lux building was totally fit for my alter ego the 2nd bedroom served its purpose well as my dream walk-in closet.  Great amenities, awesome gym, and the location was prime for walking to the markets, casino and shopping. look at the valet....all...of...the..lights (all of the lights) *Kanye Voice* 

Hands down the best restaurant I tried on this trip was Eazy Peazy in Richmond. Thank you Stephen, George, and Mark (my "Sharlet, Samanthuh and Mirandah")...Go for the tasting menu, you won't be disappointed. Must try this awesome sake too when you wander in there.

Forget what you heard. The fox says nothing.  It just stares menacingly 

Why a man great till, they gotta tolerate my quest for further introspective into the developmental stages of Jungs Anima and Animus through immersion into this fictitious saga  OR WHATEVER LIZZO SAYS