Monaco

Monaco

You think you're cooler than me

Monaco is a fabulous place, as expected.  If Monaco had a personality, it would be the bish Mike Posner saw bored in them Dior’s..... and probably is.  Honestly, rich as a culture is something you’ll see in Dubai, but breathe-in in Monaco. Everything is beautiful, bordering on sterile. No graffiti, no unique styles, nothing out of place; simply well done. It gets a little monotonous, while remaining breathtaking. You won’t find a cracked building, a terrible car, or a bad restaurant in this city. Monaco is perfect, in the way your trophy wife is perfect. She exists beautiful and silent as a testament to your success. 

I have a lot of and no personality at the same time

I enjoyed every minute here. The yachts in the harbor are incredible, massive, and representative of the 1% of the 1%. I’ve seen a lot of wealth in this world, nothing compared to the concentration of it here in Monaco.  On top of it all, crews were in the midst of setting up for formula one  and the track was cool to see coming together.

The viewpoints nearby were kewl.  Both sides of Monte Carlo and Monaco can be seen from this height. neat...oh. ..  There are tons of cute alleys to wander and you can do so in complete safety. There are over 1,000 cameras watching your every move to ensure you are safe, seriously, it’s safe (nervous laugh) not Orwellian at all (ha ha).

While here I recommend checking out the palace....was charming as far as palaces go.  Stick around for noon and you’ll witness the changing of the guard...made better when dubbed to Sissy That Walk....  

             

           

Sup? 

Yeh, I mean, its a great view of the water.

a prime alley for seedy activities...*BJs to strangers*

I picked a pizza restaurant called Le Shangrila for my afternoon lunch spot. For the first time in my life I felt obligated to eat an entire pizza with a fork and knife, in fear of appearing uncouth...that was a fuckin struggle and no shit, the people seated next to me ended up doing the same. Honestly, you can’t tell if you’re in a high end restaurant or not until you get the bill, everyone is so very proper. None the less, the food was awesome.  I hopped around the city until a random downpour had me running back to my ship for some shelter.  I spent the rest of my evening watching large yachts park themselves in the boughiest parking lot in the world - wondering just how much my blowjob skills would need to improve to land me a spot on one of those bitches ....marginally 😏🤣.

Aye, yo, let yo hur down. 

                                            

love a good park

Woof, daddy. 

   

It’s expensive. It’s beautiful. It’s bored in them Dior’s.....even when she find out how deep them pockets is.  

Lowkey, this place sucks hard because there are no gay bars. not one. 

Isla de Mallorca

Isla De Mallorca

 Coming into port, its a beautiful island setting. 

Can't miss the church, it is the first thing you see off the boat. 

Size queen

I was jazzed as fuck to be going to Mallorca! It’s an absolute paradise in the Balearic Sea, home to gays a plenty. Oh la la! It had all your typical fixtures - old castle. Check.  Beautiful cathedral. Check. Museums. Check. Beaches. Check. Awesome shopping. Check. Heavy German Tourism. Unexpected check.  

I walked 5 miles around the city and found my way to a gay bar scene, where I was met by fantastic tapas and stories of the Berlin Wall. Seriously.  A German man  sitting with a Dutch man imparted wisdom on me, from him to America.  “We did walls once, we just tore them down”.  🙏🏻 so, take that trump administration LOL He then  looked down at my shorts and inquired as to how large my dick was and laughed while creepily stroking my back....ya win some ya lose some. 
He bought me a drink and we chatted about the struggles of being American't. I don't recall his name after the 2nd drink, but man this guy was funny.  You can tell he was aware that he had kind of a shifty vibe, because he would give menacing looks to the Dutch gentleman sitting a few seats down from us. All of this was hugely entertaining, but I had some city to see.   

                               

I spent the afternoon shooting the shit with random people. It was an absolute delight.  The photos are next level. If you’re in the area checking out pills in Ibiza, do yourself a favor and hop over to Mallorca. It’s incredible. No matter where I stumbled around, I was able to find something to take a picture of. Vibes ranged from murdery to marvelous, and changed so quickly from one block to the next... 

              

I lost track of the day in the contemporary art museum and neglected to find a hat for my Spanish friend back home 🙈 luckily, I can now fill his head with German wisdom instead of covering it with a hat.  So. There’s that. 

This one represents how to throw a party in Mykonos.

"Toast and Chinese takeout boxes"

It took me a while to figure this one out, but its obvious.

Actual concept art for the costumes in Kanyes hit song "I love it"

Turns out this was just a waterway next to the museum. 

There was a ton of shopping to do here, lots of great tapas to eat, and tons of cool people to chill with

      ......is it artsy to do landscape in portrait? Or an upload fail.

Is it art or exposed plumbing, you be the judge.

 "fountain/water feature lined by greens" V original idea.

auf wiedersehen Mallorca!

Cartagena

Cartagena 

A port city of Spain, Cartagena was the shortest stop for the boat but the most fun for me. I leapt at the chance to do a booze and tapas tour, which began at 8:00 am...EIGHT.....A....M....and ended at noon.... LOL. My reputation  as the boozy bish was not lost, and by the time we hit the old red light district, I was ready to rekindle history. 

Hmmmm, thinks. 1,2,3 do the Nicki Minaj blink

 On this tour I learned in wartime there was such a role as “commander of the prostitutes”, which is intriguing... and sad that this is no longer an achievable title in today’s society...or is it? Remains to be seen but will put  out applications when necessary 🤣

On the left: The Commander
On the right: Some stupid ho












The city itself is charming, and broke some of the norms for city building at the time. It had a heavy Roman influence, yet for some reason they decided to layout their city in ways the Greeks would have. I mention this because it led historians on a wild goose chase to find the cities coliseum, which took so long to discover (by accident) that the coliseum has only been uncovered as of the 1980s which is just in time for me to get on stage to do my best Lizzie McGuire. 

         

That wrapped up the site seeing portion of the tour....it is now 8:30 and its time to get boozy. I. LOVED. stumbling around tapas bars for more wine and....culture?....wine. LOL 

This space was for lease...just sayin

This is one classy bitch of a buildin'

                        

Tunnel vision

Color coordinate where I stan

I must take time to discuss the cats I came across here....duh. First, they were being tended to by what looked like a character the Simpsons used to depict a lonely disheveled woman with a serious smoking addiction...she was literally in a bathrobe with curlers in her half-done hair, smoking a cigarette yelling at the following cats:

I have mange, fuck off please

kiss mah ass, wait, I got it. 

bye

The exchange was interesting. She would pour buckets of dirty water in a drain in the street, yell at the cats, and then make kissy noises to them. I'm not 100 on what heavy drug use looks like, but this seemed representative enough. 

I genuinely enjoyed everything about this city. Despite the cats being the nastiest I have come across, the wine and cocktails were awesome. It was the perfect blend of culture, architecture, and good times. The cool ex-brothel style bar was called La Uva Jumillana in the old red light district- there was one other name but it hasn’t survived my inebriated state...I legit napped from 1 to 6 that night.