Melbourne

 Sex In The City: Mel-Born to Die

My only two Australian dreams, that I made up on the flight over, were to see kangaroos and be driving on the "wrong" side of the road: Dream bigger, Chris.... literally accomplished both of those things leaving the airport. FUCK! there was a massive field of kangaroos  hanging out like cows and horses in the Midwest US. Was it time to turn around and go home? Had my dreams for this country been too unimaginative? Could this be an opportunity to parody and over use my favorite meme/show?

*cue fade into Sex In The City parody*

 My alter ego

We met our heroine Setdown Bradshoe with Señor Grande at an appropriately trendy bar called Naked for Satan. The bar didn’t actually allow for nudity, though was playing host to some stag parties, making for great people watching. Nothing like a flock of drunk hetero dudes dressed as nurses following around Ali G.

           

While chatting Señor gave me his run down on Melbourne. He said it's interesting (NOT REALLY, BECAUSE THIS IS HAPPENS IN EVERY BIG CITY) in that you have the most povo people living next to the most posh. The houses are mishmashes of historic looking row-homes and modern skyscrapers. Overall, my perception is Melbourne is not unlike NYC or LA, yet is not as filthy, congested, or cramped....only slightly less "going" on and fewer celebs.

Carlton Gardens aka "Central Park"

On my to -do  list?  Melbourne Museum (creative name). Easy to adore the exhibits, hella friendly staff, and rooms on rooms of neat thingamabobs... the building itself was a work of Art. They did a fantastic job at showcasing Australian history under one roof. Beyond these walls, you can stumble right into the royal exhibition and a really pretty park.(I strolled about the “Central Park” serving my best Bradshoe lewks)

Everyday is runway

         This made me want calamari

"Smile for the camera beautiful" - Literally Nobody

...yes, you ca tell by the obnoxious colors those are my gals- Sharlet, Samanthuh and Mirandah

Here we see Samanthuh next to the only thing wetter than her in this park

I elected to skip the royal exhibition and instead ended up in a library...Some of us just like to read..
                               

The library was neato. I found myself amongst all of histories greatest works, and so I wondered....is smelling all of these great pieces of literature as impacting as reading them?  (Also what makes the “book” smell?)

didn’t actually touch many of those leather bound beauties, I was amped up on pre-workout and had no patience to sit still long enough to soak up a story. Instead I took in the serenity that comes from watching hundreds of people sitting quietly...moving only to find more books. You'd think the monsters from A Quiet Place were the librarians.

Spring time in Australia means temps were cold enough that shorts were just not an option, and that’s literally all I packed (Living in Hawaii means I do not own pants). What’s a girl to do? Onward to ....THE MALL. Well, a mall. Melbourne Central (again, creative names): so-so shopping selection in an amazing center with an old bullet making tower in it, which is very tits. The shopping was limited because fashion here seems a few decades behind the US (they LOVE RL), but this location has blocks of stores and stores and stores with ramen and more stores.

I was cool with all these stores and ramen.

Lookin like a big ol brick dick in a glass con-dome.

  It's Bradshoes job to leave a bit of aspirational fashion sense behind and move on.I popped into the closest lululemon to show off my aloha branded “honolululemon”, and scope out any AU specific designs...*sigh* none.

Living in Hawaii has exposed me to a ton of Australian tourists:  when they saw on IG that I was bopping around their home, I was swarmed with messages on ideas for things to see, people to bang,  and places to go. Ya damn right I’m gonna follow all these leads! Next up, The Shrine of Remembrance: a monumental way to honor those who have fallen in battle. *I'm not crying, you’re crying*. Seriously, I can never go to these things and not take on the role of weeping like a widow of the fallen. 

On my way to that shrine, an absolutely massive banner for the National Gallery of Victoria was promoting an exhibition for Terracotta Warriors! As a reporter that I am not, I have done like 6 different research projects on those warriors and this was my first chance to see them in person - I went for it right from the shrine! The size of the exhibit left me underwhelmed, even though it was complex, but thanks to Snapchat I got some super cute pics:

     

Here's me posing next to the fuckboy who told me he would change.

That entirely satisfactory bitch of a day ended with me singing Funky Cold Medina with some Greek lady working at GoodysBurger. She slayed it. Was this my new gal pal? No, she lacked that stable Mirandah energy that is missing from my life. 

An outfit as stylish as these buildings.

Back at my apartment that night I struggled greatly with trying to figure out how the oven worked...(ON BRAND IF YOU KNOW ME)...I sent out an SOS on my IG and was helped along by one very domestic hero I know only as Ibuffy_.

The next day was much the same. Took a walk in St Kilda. for botanical gardens and to the beach to freeze myself in the water, because bitches love beaches. Then had a super cute lunch with myself at  Pontoon, which is a tasty waterfront kind of place.

  

The water was fuckin coooooooold!

Later I would get a message from Señor Grande about “an immersive theater experience in homage to Edgar Allen Poe being held in a 36 room abandoned warehouse”. Whuat!? *picture of a demon king in ballpit* ...sold! 

This experience was called A Midnight Visit...an Edgar Allen Poe themed mutli-room esacpe-room-esque fun house, and cool as hell doesn’t even begin to describe it. We started off with drinks while we waited then basically you choose your own adventure as you wander through this maze of rooms. You can happen into a room that’s empty and two seconds later is flooded with actors dressed in period correct costumes playing guitars, giving poetry realness, and singing randomly...or it would just be an empty room. The excitement of not knowing what was coming was all part of the charm. We had a kick ass time in the ball pit, crawled through some tunnels, I watched Señor Grande get involved in a semi sexual game of Simon says with Edgar Allen Poe and then ended up in a big ass sandbox where I found me some booty - in the pirate kind of way. The whole thing ends in a ballroom where all the actors come together and sing Lovefool by the Cardigans..JUST LIKE IN HOTFUZZ. If I had one phrase to described what it was like watching them sing "love me, love me, say that you love me" while hauling good ol Egadr off in a coffin amidst blasts from confetti cannons... Fuckin mint.              

           

         

The next day was just as awesome. Met Señor Grande for a mysterious show on the waterfront of the Crowne Casino. He would not tell me anything about why we were there or outside, only warning me that if I did not like it that I should lie and tell him I liked it 🤣 no need to lie, the show was great. The whole strip of the waterfront was lined with these huge rectangular metal pillars that began shooting massive fireballs into the air. Like out of nowhere just tons of heat and fire. 

                  

I swear I was so happy that smile stuck to my face for an hour. 

....the next few days flew by. I got up to my usual routine of gym, parks, dinner, Grande, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, I ate like the monster in spirited away 🤣 Grande and I tried out the gay scene, which was composed of decidedly normal looking men. It wasn’t the plastic pretty boys of LA nor the trendy leather bound circuit queens of NY, no, these were plain people that looked like you went to high school with them. Was actually a bit odd not to be lost in a sea of on-point eyebrows and dewy Mario Badescu faces.......no matter, this was a GREAT time....until we ran into the only other American and were inundated by her rant on all the reasons she moved from her small town in Texas to be a big city lesbian in Melbourne - even the young gay in me would say you’re like florals in spring.

 Wait, wrong film.

all of the yes

Emerald City Realness

do, do , do.... just a ho-ass girl in a big city

      

     

       

Neon nonsense

The world needs more doughnut memorials 

All was excellent, and on my last night we had these killerish dumplings. Well, most of them were killer, one or two of them sucked. Okay, most of them sucked. ...None the less, this place was BYOB and between the two of us, bringing a bottle of champagne and two bottles of wine was too much. 

SO CUTE I CANT DEAL

In my spur of the moment friendless towards strangers I managed to unload a rosè on a very funny lesbian and her Polish work wife who were seated next to us- this was excellent because they then ended up coming with us to Berlin bar. Berlin bar has a very neat vibe. Bathtub full of pillows, bunk beds, lots of nods to German history and an absolutely massive portrait of Joseph Stalin.

Four of us sitting here having a nice international pissing contest: America,Poland, Netherlands, and one other place lol boozy memory.

The kind Polish woman (on the right) gave us a try of some post dinner shots that were a tradition for her culture, these were meant to cleanse the pallet and calm your stomach. Instead they tasted like eating an actual cigarette and chasing it with vinegar. Oh well! We had an awesome time hanging out with these girls.  They talked and talked while we... *photoshoot time*

We are adorbs

                   
All was good! I flew out the following afternoon with the only thing on my mind being the concept of an actual "whore island" but with trains ... if anyone has passing interest in this idea, let me know! 

                      Prototype:

Trains on trains

..... Ah, paradise




     Reviews:   IMBD: .5 /10     Rotten Tomatoe: .08%    

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