Cairns

"I Cairns take myself dancing"♪𝅘𝅥

Started to cry but then remembered IIIIIIII....

Cairns is a tropical paradise/embodiment of the "Reasons to fear Australia" that is fed to people overseas. The crocs, the sharks, big spiders, venomous snakes....OH...and something I hadn't even had a chance to fully develop a fear of until days before my trip....Cassowary!? (don't tell me this isn't a feathery velociraptor) 

BTW. Did you glance at that pic and carry on? 

                                                                          go back and look at its fucking foot! 

Jurassic Park OR Cairns? 

Okay, so maybe you're a foreigner who is not afraid of wildlife but have an immense fear of sounding like a moron in casual conversation.... Go to Cairns, then tell Australians about it. 

BUT FIRST Type "cairns" into translate and click the speech speaker to ensure you say this right to them..."Carens", "Ka-air-ens", "Care-ins".....now you're ready to approach your nearest Aussie. I once made a whole tiktok about Cairns and was fed to the dogs over it....so many comments "ITS C-AIR-NS YOU MORON"  😧

I digress, the main points of this trip: 

1) See the Great Barrier Reef 

                    2) See the Great Barrier Reef

                    3) See the Great Barrier Reef

Like everyone else binge watching nature docs for hours on Netflix waiting for their soulmate to arrive, I'd seen many depressing documentaries about the GBR.

Flowers was recently released at this time, the vibe was SET. 

I can buy myself flowers.....

......

*me looking hot on Trinity Beach - thinking of crocs the whole time*

.....tried out the restaurants there!!! All both of them...

  

then took a hike 

    Sometimes I forget how weird I seem. There was a section of Earl Hill Summit Trail with a small rock face covered in beautiful coloured vegetation that complemented the unique rock shades (not pictured).

 A lady walking by sees me standing there enjoying it and goes "It sure is pretty eh?"....I looked this woman dead in the face and instead of saying something meaningful ...."I love rocks" came out of my mouth and ended in that upward inflection that implies you're about to say more, but there wasn't. She paused briefly... ready to listen and then awkwardly kept it moving when she realised she was no match for my expert conversational skills.....it was Sydney all over again

*flashback*

                            The hike was worth my painful social interactions...and serves as proof that isolation in the wilderness does not save you from yourself                    .....

Twas Time for the GBR..... 

                                                                          Me: "I dont get sea sick at all!" 

How it started 

How its going

I was grouped onboard with this table of 8 people, all of whom were German...I did not speak a word to them for 45 min and when I opened my mouth they were SHOCKED I wasn't German....maybe it was the cold way I had looked at them in unbothered silence.  It felt like I was suddenly ousted from a club I didn't know I was apart of. Helga broke from the group and I spent 15% of the (eco friendly) boat ride trauma bonding with this lovely German mother who was as sea sick as me, until our medication kicked in.

ANYWAY, the reef was neato and my "phone in a bag" camera sucked. 

its hard to look cool underwater 

Helga swallowed a fuck ton of sea water on our first dive and dipped out the remainder of the excursion. 😵 

The sea life and reef are so incredible! It really leaves you in awe 

BTW, Cairns has a ton of cool nature things to do like ...Daintree Rainforest. WOW. Its the worlds oldest rainforest and its so beautiful!!! The energy that comes from this place is powerfullllll. 

There's a SkyRail (think rainforest public transit) that goes up and around the forest... its a must...first of all...birds eye view...second of all...shit/piss yourself when it slows or stops, lets out the cable slack, and makes you feel like you're falling. hehe. 

Plan to arrive around the end of rainy season...you get this amazing scene at Barron Falls. 

otherwise...its literally barren

*Sad trombone* - dry season 

The SkyRail makes a stop at Kuranada which was a kewl and easy to walk-about town.  Being an adult child.... I made time to go to the butterfly sanctuary and lil zoo thing to hold a Koala.  

Hey, by the way,...not all koalas are the same. They have the picturesque newby koala baby that was super adorable, fluffy, full of joy in its eyes....and then...."the loaner".  She smokes 10 packs a day, she's been through this since birth, she hates screaming children, and her days in the limelight are long since past.  She is crusty and she will fight you. 

THAT was the one for me, fuck that cute one.....and blessed as I am, I got her.....here we are together 

I am you, and you are me. 

Yo when the photographer said "this is a great one", i knew damn well they just say that to everyone because look at it. Lazy eyes and awkward smiles for both of us O_o

    

Never saw any snakes or cassowary....ah! The big spider thing....

The scene: I'm layin down, just chillin....i look up.

hi...

hi but with 7 legs(?)

The scale of this is not coming across. It was so big it was more fascinating than terrifying.

And the Crocs....highly recommend the  CrocWise app. You get user reported sightings and tips on how to remain safe....when I tell you, not one moment of relaxing on the beach came through as you are constantly scouting the waters edge.....still fun tho....

anyway....                            

        

                                                                                                                                                ... cunt.  

Melbourne III

 Melbourne..."And Just Like That" 

We last left Mrs. Bradshoe purging the memories of Senor Grande from her mind and wardrobe in a Melbourne sock shopping spree (it was as depressing/cathartic as it sounds).  

The pandy hit everyone hard, especially her. The closed boarders left Bradshoe stranded in Hawaii for what felt like an eternity, and in that time... all she really needed (for this plot to continue).... was to return to face this city. 

The thought of closure lingered in the air like the wet fart smell of a fish market in Bangkok on a humid summer day. 

Afterall, its not like she sat around in her apartment counting down the 1,269 days, 7 hours, 11 minutes, and 35, 36, 37, 38 seconds since she'd seen him at 8:21am on September 16th 2019.  

So I wondered, if the boarders can get closure, why shouldn't I?

                                      

My mind spun. Would I see him here? What would I say? How would I react? How would HE react? This man was so significant to me in so many ways...and I just...need....

                                                  

.... a haircut. 

Not just any haircut will do...no, she needs a reworking. a reimagining. a makeover of sorts. There is only ONE place in Melbourne I trust.

Tren Dee Hair Salon

"who is she?" I heard them asking themselves.... in my head... as nobody glanced in the direction of my mediocrity.  To which I boldly reply.... "I am Setdown Bradshoe, dog cunt of Melbourne". 

Lookin runway fresh and powers restored, me and the gal decided to catch up for drinks. - *pretend these are trendy*

feeling fabulous. 

To....... Above Board

 

then off to The Everleigh. 

                   

A wise philosopher once said: 

"She made us drinks to drink, we drunk em' , got drunk" - T Pain. 

                                       

And so I wondered.....is there more to life than maintenance and martinis? 

Truth be told, closure aside, I came for one very spiritual thing: a campy Pride Country Fest called Chillout. I needed a lil yeehaw in my life full of HeNaw.

Strange. even in his arms I don't feel like hoot'n or holler'n.. 

Tips from one girl to another....manifesting things is real...in jest I told the girls before the start of this "if its authentic, there will be yodelling, line dancing, and cowboys". 

The scene: 1.5 hour from Melb- Daylesford, Vic.

For those who've never left NYC, picture those small country towns you only see on the news after a train derails and blows up in them...except everyone there is gay friendly and not poisoned.  

Just look at it...one road? Its 5th Ave without 1st-3rd, Lexington, Park, and Madison. 

                                     

*large field, stage, stary night so perfect the stars light up the sky, bar tent rests back against the tree line*

The first act is this: 

Everyone was in plaid, singing country music, the cowboy hats, the boots, THE YODDELING???? the whole thing felt like living in a gay parody of Texas or a Swiss Festa Junina.

TREND ALERT! 

Yodelling was the theme of the week! 

*flashback 5 days ago* My old gal pal and I were discussing how yodeling in pop was NOT yet dead after THIS song 2LATE came out and sent us down memory lane.  Oh to reminisce our fave yodel pop hits of each decade notably YODEL IN THE CANYON OF LOVE  and WIND IT UP .... now here I was, yoddeling my nipples off in BFE. 

I was back to my fictitious rewts with this whole thing.

Lets take a moment to reflect on how wildly complicated the steps are to country themed group dancing....line up 6 deep in groups of 11, everyone 4 steps left, 3 turns to the right, find a partner, spilt into 3 groups of 2 pairs, now take 5 steps in unison to the right, dosido(?), make a bridge with your partner while the others go under, close it off and find a new partner,  now do a back flip, solve world hunger, cure cancer, then 5 steps to the left...and repeat! YEEEHAWWWW. 

yeehaw, achieved. (also I'm a man now)

4 hours into the night and Mrs. Bradshoe is reminded how the silly little world works. Wouldn't you know it, I got closure of what happened to Grande. He didn't die from Covid, moved back to NZ, transition to female, or become an accountant....as TikTok speculated....nay...

You see, being a NYC socialite, I'd been chatting with eligible bachelors at the party who took a curiosity to how a beautiful vibrant successful NYC girl in her late 50's such as myself ended up in Australia. 

After finishing my long winded story (complete with photos) and pluggin my book, one of the men recognised the former man of my dreams and began laughing.  The community is small, and he is popular enough to be well known. 

wrong film, right vibe. 

HE HAD THE TEA

There's something comforting in girl talk, especially when you find out the former love of your life is now a poppers loving sex addict in a loving relationship but mixed up in a notoriously horrible crowd of toxic people. 

And so I wondered, why not me?  I'm a sex addicted single lady who loves mixed up toxic trash more than a radioactive raccoon. .....It's the poppers isn't it?   I hear poppers and think " food" and he thinks "VCR Cleaner".   

We were never going to work out. 

Comforting the drunk mess of a human who just made my year. 

Did it culminate in a romantic happy ending? No. It ended just like the movies this city is parodying. and in that way, it feels complete. I got my yeehaw, my closure, and a haircut.

And just like that...this short weekend adventure and our story comes to a close.